Quotables From NBC's Conan O'Brien  8/15/05

Earlier today, the Space Shuttle landed safely, even though bad weather forced NASA to re-route it from Florida to California. Not surprisingly, the shuttle crew's luggage was sent to Atlanta.

In a radio speech this week, President Bush said, "I will not be satisfied until every American who wants to work can find a job." Then Bush went back to his five-week vacation.

The Rolling Stones' new album contains a song that criticizes President Bush. This marks the first time the Rolling Stones have criticized a President since Millard Fillmore.

The producers of "Fiddler on the Roof" announced that Rosie O'Donnell will play the wife Tevye, who is played by the openly gay Harvey Fierstein. Producers say the complete lack of sexual chemistry makes them the perfect choice to play an old Jewish couple.

The other day in Arkansas, two men tried to rob a home shopping show on cable TV but they were caught when a viewer called the police. Apparently the home shopper called 911 and said, "Help, someone's trying to steal the crap I'm trying to buy."

In New York, Senator Hillary Clinton is being challenged for her seat by another woman. Hillary says she's looking forward to the election, while Bill Clinton says he's looking forward to the girl-on-girl action.

Today in Crawford, Texas, President Bush met with his defense team and his foreign policy team. They briefed Bush on the state of global affairs and he showed them how to pop a wheelie on a mountain bike.

Rafael Palmeiro is eligible to rejoin the Baltimore Orioles today after serving a 10-day suspension for failing a steroids test. Palmeiro says he spent the time off collecting jars of other men's urine.

According to "The New York Post", Britney Spears' husband, Kevin Federline, is in the studio recording his first album. It's expected to be the top selling album among people named Federline.

Today, the management of Krispy Kreme admitted that they had inflated their earnings. Not only that, Krispy Kreme also admitted that they inflated their customers' asses.

Next month, a cell phone company is going to start selling a mobile phone that resembles the communicators featured on "Star Trek". "Star Trek fans are really excited because for an extra $1000 the phone comes with a girl's phone number.

In a recent interview, Jose Canseco's ex-wife said that, thanks to steroids, Canseco has tiny, shriveled testicles. Or as Clay Aiken calls them, "Fun Size."

The drunk Yankee fan who jumped out of the upper deck into the net behind home plate may be sent to jail for a year. Even worse, he could be sentenced to a year of Mets games.

Tomorrow, Cuban leader Fidel Castro turns 79. You can tell Castro's getting older, because he's thinking about retiring to Florida.

Yesterday, the country of Cambodia named Angelina Jolie an "honorary citizen" for all her work in Southeast Asia. Not only that, there is a rumor that Jolie is responsible for the breakup of North and South Korea.

The other day, New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg criticized the Church of Scientology by saying the religion doesn't make sense. In response, a furious Tom Cruise said, "Cupcakes, Zipper, Armadillo."

Diet guru Richard Simmons has agreed to host a new radio show on satellite radio. Simmons says radio is the perfect opportunity for fans to take advantage of his diet expertise without having to look at him.

In a new interview, actor Johnny Depp says he wants to shake up his on-screen image. So he's thinking about starring in a hardcore porn film. The porno is going to be called "Charlie Takes It in the Chocolate Factory."