Quotables From NBC's Late Night With Conan O'Brien  6/27/05

"According to the soldiers who were guarding Saddam Hussein, Saddam likes having Raisin Bran for breakfast but hates Fruit Loops. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'He hates Fruit Loops? He's more evil than I thought.'"

"It was reported that during their recent trip to Paris, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ran up a $30,000 hotel bill. Cruise was furious and told Holmes 'This is coming out of what I pay you.'"

"A court in Germany has ruled that soldiers in the German army should be allowed to keep their mullets and ponytails. In a related story, the Germany army is now doing most of its recruiting in New Jersey."

"Kid Rock has been ordered to take anger-management classes after punching a man at a strip club. The Judge told Kid Rock, 'Obviously, you have a problem if you are in a bad mood at a strip club.'"

"In Japan, a 95-year-old man broke the record in his age bracket for the 100-meter dash. Unfortunately, when the 95-year-old man tried to run through the tape at the finish line it snapped him in half."

"Yesterday, President Bush announced that he has decided to plan a trip to Vietnam. The President said, 'It must be a pretty nice place, I heard John McCain spent 5 years there.'"

"Government officials in California have started paying a $1 fine each time they use a word that is difficult for a taxpayer to understand. In a related story, Governor Schwarzenegger now owes $50,000."

"The 'Daily News' has suggested that Katie Holmes signed a 5-year, $5 million contract to marry Tom Cruise - but according to the contract the two will not have sex. After hearing this, Star Jones' husband fired his agent."

"Two psychologists in England say they've discovered that there are 9 different types of love. Not surprisingly, 7 involve Ruben Studdard and ham."

"It's been reported that Paris Hilton frequently takes off her engagement ring and lets it be passed around for different people to touch. Paris says, 'I want my ring to have the same experiences that I've had.'"

"Someone on E-Bay is selling a piece of toast they claim shows an image of Michael Jackson. Experts say it's the first piece of toast to be black when it went into a toaster - and white when it came out."

"It was reported today that the DA's office in Los Angeles has lost Michael Jackson' passport. After hearing about it, Michael was furious and said, 'I can't use my old passport, it's for a black guy.'"

"In a speech today, President Bush said that his economic plan would help Americans from all walks of life. Bush added, 'My plans will help you whether you're a billionaire or just a millionaire.'"

"Tonight is game 7 of the NBA finals between the San Antonio Spurs and the Detroit Pistons. We tape early so I just want to say San Antonio - win or lose you had a great season and Detroit - win or lose, I'm sorry you live in Detroit."

"Oprah Winfrey is angry because the other day in Paris she was denied entry into a posh French boutique. So today to get even, Oprah purchased France."

"In a recent interview, Martha Stewart said that on her 'Apprentice' reality show, she'll use a different catch phrase than 'You're Fired.' Reportedly, Martha's catch phrase will be 'Get Ready to be Beaten to Death.'"

"The Mattel Toy Company announced they are holding auditions for someone to play Barbie in a Barbie musical. A 'Barbie Musical' finally answers the question, 'What's gayer than Ken?'"

"Despite protests from conservatives, this week President Bush appointed an openly gay man as his assistant Secretary of Commerce. Bush claimed that a gay man is perfect for the commerce department because 'Those people love to shop.'"

"Yesterday at the premiere for 'War of the Worlds,' Tom Cruise kissed Steven Spielberg. When she heard this, Katie Holmes asked Spielberg, 'How much did he pay you?'"

"Yesterday Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld testified before Congress and Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld's resignation. This marks the first time Kennedy has ever come out against anything with Rum in it."

"General Mills is launching a national ad campaign that promotes the health benefits of eating cereals like Trix, Lucky Charms and Cocoa Puffs. The first ad says, 'Eat Lucky Charms, there's no funner way to get diabetes.'"

"Michael Jackson is reportedly thinking about going on a long vacation to Switzerland. Which means for the first time in centuries, Swiss teenage boys will have to fight."