Quotables from Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live Oct 29th  10/31/05

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY -- "Yesterday, Dick Cheney's chief of staff Scooter Libby was indicted on five felony counts ranging from perjury to obstruction of justice in the Valerie Plame leak case. For more on this story, ask Scooter. Apparently that mofo'll tell you anything."

FEY -- "If convicted, Libby could face the following penalties: obstruction of justice - 10 years in prison. Making false statements - 5 years. Perjury - 5 years. Going to jail with the name Scooter - priceless."

FEY -- "The indictments against Scooter Libby were announced at a press conference Friday by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. Trim, soft-spoken, manly Patrick Fitzgerald. His clear, steady voice, piercing blue eyes and impeachable integrity restoring my faith in America and making me want to do things I have never done before. I love you, Patrick Fitzgerald, because you don't lie to me. I love you."

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR AMY POEHLER -- (in reference to a picture of Harriet Miers) "Shocking many on Thursday, the Religious Right participated in a second term abortion."

POEHLER -- "Now that she's no longer a nominee for the Supreme Court, Harriet Miers will continue as President Bush's counsel and oversee the selection of a new nominee. And reportedly, she already has a candidate in mind ... Shmarriet Shmiers."

RACHEL DRATCH as Harriet Miers, merlot in hand, explaining her pulled nomination: "I felt like I was extremely unqualified ... but then I thought, you know what? A man wouldn't second guess himself like this. Donald Rumsfeld never says, 'Hey, I can't be Secretary of Defense. I've never even served in the Army.' Porter Goss doesn't say 'I can't run the CIA, I don't have an intelligence experience.' Mike Brown didn't say, 'Hey, I can't run FEMA, I'm the head of the Arabian Horse Society for Pete's sake!' I mean, we're all unqualified! Why am I the only one that has to admit it?"

POEHLER -- "Defying federal laws, a California city council voted to create a municipal agency to distribute medical marijuana. The agency will be called 'The Santa Cruz Department of Kevin's Van.'"

POEHLER -- "The next edition of 'The Real World' will be shot in Detroit. As will several cast members."

FEY -- "A new poll shows that 66 percent of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job of handling the war in Iraq. And the remaining 34 percent think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church."

FINESSE MITCHELL (staging a sit-in at the "Whites Only" section of SNL - the "Weekend Update" desk - in honor of Rosa Parks) -- "People say we've made a lot of progress since the days of Rosa Parks, but I say we've got a long way to go. You say: 'But Finesse, a black woman is now Secretary of State.' I say Black woman? She's a Republican and her hobby is figure skating. She's just a bucktoothed white girl with a tan. I shall not be moved."

FEY -- "A new study finds that men who smoke are less likely to make a woman pregnant than non-smokers. Especially if they smoke pole."

POEHLER -- "An 8-year-old Maryland girl has been credited with this year's first bear kill. Though what's most disturbing is she strangled it."

POEHLER -- "According to a report, Courtney Love dropped off her dog at a vet's office in the spring and still hasn't picked him up. The dog is extremely grateful."

POEHLER - "On Thursday, many New Yorkers were perplexed by a strange odor all over the city that smelled like maple syrup. This is alarming coming just days after the release of this terror tape from Mrs. Butterworth." KENAN THOMPSON (dressed as Mrs. Butterworth, standing in the desert) - "Mrs. Butterworth wants you to eat more pancakes. Mrs. Butterworth will not rest until the infidels are full of pancakes. Pancakes to America! Pancakes to America!"

FEY -- "This week McDonald's will launch a two-day media event to tout the quality of its food and to combat critics who say its burgers and fries are unhealthy. McDonald's say that their food represents all four food groups: brown, dark brown, tan and salty."

FEY -- "Teshkeel Media Group has announced an agreement with Marvel Comics to bring Arabic-language comic books to Arab countries. The first to go on sale will be the Marvel classic, 'Spider-Man Vs. the Zionist Entity.'"

POEHLER -- "New Jersey this week announced they are searching for a new state motto. The leading suggestion so far: 'New Jersey and You: Who Farted?'"

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."

Source: NBC Press Release