Weekend Update With Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers  10/10/06

"Weekend Update" Co-Anchor AMY POEHLER -- "This week, House Speaker Dennis Hastert denied claims that he knew about all of Congressman Mark Foley's e-mails to a teenage male page, saying he was unaware of how bad Foley's transgressions were until last Friday. When he forgot to knock."

POEHLER -- "Hastert also told reporters that he will not be pressured to step down as House Speaker in the wake of the Foley scandal. Some say Hastert is afraid to step down as there's a good chance he'll go right through the floor."

"Weekend Update" Co-Anchor SETH MEYERS -- "On Thursday, Condoleezza Rice's surprise arrival in Baghdad was delayed by 30 minutes because of 'indirect fire' at the airport. And also because she needed time to put on her bullet-proof hair."

MEYERS -- "Last week, the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric finished in third place. Earning her the nickname, 'Dan Rather.'"

POEHLER -- "It was reported this week that a 20 million dollar provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So, save the date...February 8...3046."

MEYERS -- "Democrats accused Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist of waving a white flag for saying the Afghan war against Taliban guerrillas cannot be won militarily. Things must be bad in Afghanistan if Bill Frist is ready to give up; remember, this is the guy that thought we could still fix Terri Schiavo."

MEYERS -- "Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini ruled this week that masturbation during the month of Ramadan invalidates fasting. I think if that's true, you're doing it wrong."

POEHLER – "More than a dozen pet owners are suing Hollywood Paws, an animal talent agency, for failing to turn their animals into movie stars. A spokesman for Hollywood Paws said it wasn't their fault, as many of the pets refused to do nudity."

POEHLER – "French authorities allegedly seized more than 100 tabs of the drug ecstasy from Jimmy Buffet's luggage this week. The good news is they also found his lost shaker of salt."

MEYERS -- "A fungus affecting crops in the Midwest may lead to a pumpkin shortage this Halloween. Savvy farmers are already starting to promote an alternate scary vegetable, the 'Spinach-O-Lantern.'"

MEYERS -- "A Manhattan eye surgeon is offering free LASIK eye surgery in exchange for a pair of Mets playoff tickets. Here's some good advice: If someone can't afford baseball tickets, don't let them operate on your eyes...with lasers."

MEYERS -- "A 24-year-old woman in Bulgaria reportedly survived a car crash thanks to her silicone breast implants. And not, as originally reported, because of her great personality."

MEYERS -- "A 379-foot redwood discovered in a remote California forest has turned out to be the world's tallest tree. Scientists spotted the tree using a technique they call 'looking.'"

POEHLER -- "George Michael was arrested on Monday in London on suspicion of possessing marijuana after police found him asleep in his car. Apparently, someone forgot to wake him up before they go-goed."

POEHLER -- "According to the U.S. Census Bureau, sometime later this month the U.S. population will hit 300 million. Nice work, K-Fed."

Source: NBC Press Release