Saturday Night Live Weekend Update With Amy Poehler  10/24/06

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR AMY POEHLER -- "U.S. Intelligence this week confirmed North Korea's claim that it exploded a nuclear bomb deep inside a mountain. This officially makes North Korea a nuclear threat -- but only if they can lure their enemies deep inside a mountain."

POEHLER -- "On Tuesday, the U.S. population hit 300 million. 'Oh, that's so cute!' said China."

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR SETH MEYERS -- "If recent polls are correct and Democrats win back control of the House and Senate, President Bush's administration will be transformed into an early lame duck. Worse, Cheney will then shoot it."

MEYERS -- "British Prime Minister Tony Blair joined a passionate and increasingly contentious debate on Tuesday over the full-face veils worn by some British Muslim woman, calling it a 'mark of separation.' Yeah, why can't they just wear something normal like a three-foot furry turd hat."

POEHLER -- "In an effort to cut 750 million dollars from its budget next year, NBC plans to air fewer comedies and dramas, which are expensive to produce, and air cheaper reality shows and game shows. So, get ready for NBC's newest hit, 'Who Wants A Roll of Pennies?"

POEHLER -- "President Bush acknowledged Friday that the situation in Iraq was tough and said he would consult with American generals to see if a change in tactics was necessary to combat the escalating violence. Then he made some clicking sounds, said he had another call coming in and hung up the phone."

POEHLER -- "The DEA is saying a new drug trend rising in popularity in the South is 'syrup,' which is a concoction that is cough syrup mixed with a sports drink. That's weird, my mother always called that 'nap juice.'"

MEYERS -- "It was reported that Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid has been using campaign donations instead of his personal money to pay Christmas bonuses for the support staff at the Ritz-Carlton, where he lives. It's part of the Democrats' 'Operation: Blow It Again.'"

MEYERS -- "Because of a back-rent dispute, the legendary New York punk rock club CBGB permanently shut down on Sunday. While the club's future plans are unclear, one thing is certain: They will not be getting back their security deposit."

POEHLER -- "Police in Spain said Sunday that more than 17,000 minks on fur farms in northern Spain were set free overnight. To get an idea of what that much free fur looks like, visit Wellesley College on a Friday night."

MEYERS -- "A stingray in Florida leaped out of the water and stabbed an 81-year-old man in the chest on Wednesday. Even stranger, the stingray stabbed the man with a screwdriver."

MEYERS -- "Lance Armstrong is denying rumors that he had a homosexual affair with Matthew McConaughey after he broke up with Sheryl Crow. Said McConaughey, 'Hey, the dude's only got one nut; the way I count, that makes him a chick."

MEYERS -- "Mike Tyson has proposed a boxing match between him and Ann Wolfe, a female middle-weight boxer. Many believe the bout would be similar to Bobby Riggs and Billy Jean King's famed Battle of the Sexes, but only if Billy Jean King had been punched to death."

POEHLER -- "Rapper Fabolous was shot early Tuesday after leaving a Manhattan restaurant. His condition was just upgraded from Criticolos to Stableos."

POEHLER -- "After 21 years and sales of nearly 7 million cars, Ford has announced that it will no longer make the Taurus, forcing many thirtysomethings to find a new way to show the world they've given up on their dreams."

Source: NBC Press Release