Quotables For NBC's Late Night With Conan O'Brien  9/26/05

Yesterday, Jennifer Aniston appeared on 'Oprah' and said that she's over Brad Pitt. In a related story, Angelina Jolie says that some nights she's over Brad Pitt; other nights she's under Brad Pitt.

Yesterday, the federal government asked the people of New Orleans not to return to the city because it is not safe. Then the government said the same thing to the people of Detroit, Cleveland and Newark.

According to the latest polls, President Bush's approval ratings are at an all-time low. In response, the President said, "Yeah, but my disapproval ratings are at an all-time high."

In a recent interview, Martha Stewart says she didn't get into any fist fights in prison. Martha says she preferred to kick people to death.

The FBI is being criticized right now for having their priorities mixed up because this week they launched a huge investigation into the adult porn industry. A spokesperson for the FBI said, "We think Osama bin Laden might be hiding out in the movie 'Butt Bandits 8'".

Vince Neil of Motley Crue is recovering from a leg injury after he fell off stage during a show. Apparently, Neil was injured when he decided to dive into the audience and there was no audience.

It was reported that since having her baby, Britney Spears has been depressed, uninspired and lethargic. When he heard this, Kevin Federline said, "Is she perfect for me or what?"

Donald Trump says he wasn't happy with the contestants on last year's "Apprentice." So this year he was much more involved with the casting. Trump said he also wasn't happy with his hair last year. So this year, he's going to wear TWO cats on his head.

New York's subway system is going to install information boards in subway stations that will provide information to riders. For instance, one of the messages will tell subway riders, "That's not water you're standing in."

Yesterday, President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage form Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House.

Earlier this week, Michael Jackson gave his first interview since his trial - and called the trial "the hardest thing I've ever done in my life." Then Jackson said, "Except for the time I drove by Chuck E. Cheese without stopping."

Yesterday in Beverly Hills, Paris Hilton was pulled over by police for erratic driving. There was an awkward moment when the cop had to say, "Ma'am, that's not my Breathalyzer."

In France, a man is in trouble because he lived with his dead mother for 5 years so he could keep collecting her pension. In a related story, this morning police arrested Melissa Rivers for the same thing.

According to a new survey, only 64 percent of men wash their hands after using a public bathroom. The survey was conducted by the group "Creepy guys who watch you pee."

The IRS reports that it lost 30,000 tax payments when a delivery truck overturned and the checks were accidentally blown into the San Francisco Bay. Experts say it's the first time anything was accidentally blown in San Francisco.

Volvo announced it has come out with a car design specifically for women. The Volvo for women is just like any other car, but the top comes down after three beers.

It's been announced that the first Starbucks has re-opened in New Orleans. Residents were thankful and said "We may have lost our homes, but at least we can start paying $5 for a cup of coffee again."

This week in New York, a FedEx deliveryman was arrested after he was found inside a woman's apartment trying to rob the place. FedEx says his bail will arrive tomorrow sometime before 10 a.m.

In a speech today about Hurricane Rita, President Bush declared "This is a big storm." In a related story, the White House announced that President Bush has started writing his own speeches.

The producers of "Girls Gone Wild" have announced that they're donating all of the profits from their Mardi Gras video to victims of Hurricane Katrina. When asked to comment, the girls who appeared in the video said "WHOO!"

According to NBC News, actor Warren Beatty is considering running for Governor of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, it could be tough because in order to run against Arnold, Beatty would first have to win the Democratic primary against Urkel.

Since her baby was born, Britney Spears has been depressed. In fact, all week Britney's hardly touched her jerky.

It has been reported that the Church of Scientology is reaching out to model Kate Moss to help her with her cocaine problem. Tom Cruise told Moss, "Trust me, you don't need cocaine to jump around like an idiot."

Source: NBC Press Release